11 days after Preslie's sedated ECHO and numerous calls to Primary Childrens, we finally hear from Preslie's Cardiologist. 4 hours at the hospital, another IV, another sedation, time, money, and another hard day for our princess all to find out we have at least 2 more months of O2, 2 more months of worrying about her oxygen levels, 2 more months of trailing her tubes behind her...2 more months of wondering what's going to happen next...will she get through this, will this just go away, will there be heart surgery at her 1st birthday. The doctor said that they would like to wait until the 6 month mark after the RSV and Pnemonia to make sure everything is healed before they do anything to fix the issue. Good news: her heart hasn't gotten any worse, but she is still on O2 when she sleeps, still de-satting, still risking injury to her brain everytime she stays low for more then 5 min...and once again we are in the midst of the ever frusterating, ever hazy, LIMBO.
This state of uneasiness, this overwhelming state of being that has been haunting me now for quite some time has even gotten harder to deal with. Kurt and I had plans to move a couple of years ago, had plans for our future, for his career...our future was laid out. All of those plans unraveled within a few months and we found ourselves giving into 'that power' some of us spend so much time fighting against. We did feel in our hearts that there was a reason none of our plans worked out. That reason was our princess. We were exactly where we needed to be when she came...we had the support group we needed, the love, the kindness, the service...the entire package. But floating around, still, in the back of our minds was an unsettled feeling as though this would not be our 'home' for the long term.
California wasn't just a trip for our family...wasn't as simple as a family getaway, a needed relief, but the start of something more. That trip stirred emotions, raised questions, gave answers and pointed out something very poingnat to us...the altitude is too much for our baby girl. That one realization has thrown us smack dab into the middle of a crazy LIMBO. Knowing she did so much better in California, knowing our 'home'...our 'safe haven' isn't safe for her...isn't good for her little heart. It now has us spinning, questioning everything that has happened to us in the last 6 months, sorting through 'coincidence' and 'signs', sorting through emotions and opinions of others. Not only is this a state of confusion and questions for 2 people, but an entire family. Trying to discern the promptings of 'heaven' and our own desires and wishes is one of the hardest things I have had to learn. All of those challenges are now starring Kurt and I directly in the face. Decisions need to be made, careers need to be changed, lives need to be moved and a new start is calling. But which direction do we go? And how do we get there?
Do I take today's call from the doctor as a sure sign that it is time for a drastic change, that it is my dear Heavenly Father's way of pushing us forward, when I feel like some days I am only spinning circles.
So many questions, so many emotions, so many answers, but which one's are mine? For now, I wake up each day and kiss my little princess with a promise that her and her brother's come first...that her health is at the top of our priority, then I get out of bed, feet planted solidly on shaky ground and I move forward...I do the laundry, I pay the bills, I pray with my kids, I hold my head high and trust my gut, trust our answer will come, I trust the only thing I know...my Father in Heaven to guide us safely through the rough seas, through the course that didn't come with a map, I trust we will end up happy, in better circumstances, and that we will all be better for it. I end this tonight fighting my frusterations of the unknown that lies ahead...the unknown that surrounds every part of my life, but I focus on the hope, the sure knowledge that we will be OK, the hope that a greater power that sees so much more clearly then I am able to, loves me and is there as an invisible hand guiding me and my family to higher ground, a safe harbor where we can dwell in peace...
the heart and soul of my HOPE!
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12 comments:
First,I have to say,I love this picture of Preslie.Her eyes just sparkle.They shine with great hope.You know my feelings on limbo.Hard place to dwell but I feel confident and sure that answers will come but like all things ,it is not our time but His time.I know the uncertainty and uneasiness clouds this but I know too you all are so much stronger than the anxiety and fear.You have seen yourselves through so much more and I know,I just know,things will work out.California is calllng and we are here waiting for you.
Ps... changed the picture on Zoey's button ... again!!
Michelle, I thought the same thing that H wrote when I saw the pic of Prelie in this post, her eyes sparkle!
I am so sorry about the dilema, I know it is difficult, but the Lord has a plan, divine and perfect, even tho we may not be able to see it, we have to TRUST it!
Kiss the lovely for me and I will call soon, promise.
Hi Michelle, what can I add that Heather and Kele didn't say, not much, they said it well. But I can feel your strength in your posts and I know you will let God guide you... and you will end up where you belong.God is probably working out all the details right now. Till then hang in there and remember it will all fall into place in the right time.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are facing. God is with you and will guide you to where you need to be. It's so hard to trust when you don't see a clear path or the light at the end of the tunnel but He is there with you. Lean on Him. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
What a beautiful picture of Preslie. Such an angel. I know Heavenly Father will give you guys the strength and knowledge to do what is best for your family. You have amazing courage. Hang in there my friend.
I can't believe it took cardiology 11 days. Expecially when it sounds like they already knew what they wanted to do, wait 6 months. It makes me crazy too, I want to get out of here so bad. I have a scary feeling though that I will get stuck here trying to sell our house. But I feel I need to get my baby to better doctors, one's that don't say they don't know what else to do for him, thats not acceptable. But it is also a scary thing, we've been in a comfort zone with our babies. I pray that we can both find peace and get were we want to go.
Oh ya, and that pic is so sweet of her. She is gorgeous.
Michelle - that picture of your princess is too cute. I loved it.
I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said by these sweet ladies. I will pray that the answers will come as you continue to walk by faith. I'm sure that you are already doing everything you need to do to be ready, willing and able to act on your personal revelation when it comes. I hope it will come soon.
As always my darling daughter, another beautifully heart-felt writing of your deepest emotions and feelings. I know that you have the strength and faith to take each day as it comes. Our Heavenly Father will guide you and Kurt where you need to be and when...Everything has it's "season". So hang in there darlin' with continued Faith..That photo of our little "P"is Precious, she gleems....oxoxoo Mom
Michelle, that little Preslie is beautiful! What a darling picture of her!
It is so hard to sit in "limbo" sometimes.... not knowing what He has in mind. I do know, that He does know... and each day as you prove your faithfulness, He will guide you to the place that is waiting for you and your family.
You continue to be in my prayers! Your words are always so beautifully stated. Thank you for your example!
I'm just finding you! I didn't know you blogged! I look forward to keeping up with Preslie and the rest of your clan!
Your continued strength and courage inspires me. I know that through the rough times Heavenly Father is blessing you in ten fold. I know that through my own struggles, it has forced me to grow and become a much stronger person. We put your name in the Boise Temple. I know the Lord hears our prayers, although sometimes we feel like it takes a while.
Your daughter is a Princess. She just glows with a celestial spirit. I can't wait to one day meet her and you. I am coming to Utah for a week in September. I really hope that I can come and meet you both. I love you!
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