kindred spirits...

We have once again returned to reality...the bags and their contents are littered all throughout the house, the washing machine is running 24/7, the car has been emptied and Preslie's cannula's are back in. There is so much to share about our week away, but it will have to be done in increments as time is not that abundant. Saturday the 16th the alarms went off at 3 am and our adventure begun. Children were carried from their beds, still in their PJ's for the long car ride, the bags were neatly packed, and we quietly drove away from our home at 7000 feet...everyone wide awake as the excitement began to boil within us all. DisneyLand here we come!

Our first stop was one I had been looking forward to for weeks now...something that I thought about constantly, something I needed. We found a hotel close to disney land for the first night, dropped the boys and my mother off and got back in the car with Preslie, pulled out the map and continued to head north. Our destination certainly wasn't known as the 'happiest place on earth', nor was it a white sandy beach along the coast of california...it was CHLA...Childrens Hospital LA....found on a busy street in a 'not so nice' are of LA. But it was a place I was longing to visit. It wasn't the place that drew me to it, but one of the patients, nestled in room 409, bed B. Those of you that follow my blog know that this family is dear to my heart, though we had NEVER met before this night.

We quietly entered Zoey's room, the anticipation welling up inside of me could now be let loose...there we found Zoey snuggling her dad Mark on the window seat across from her crib. The next couple of hours that followed were priceless. Heather and her 2 sweet boys followed shortly after we arrived and the evening was 'complete.' I had hoped that we were able to meet this sweet family at the beach, or out for dinner or at the comfort of their home, but even on the 4th floor, a place looming with sadness, fear, and exhaustion....I took in each moment as a gift, as something I would treasure forever. We talked, we laughed, we took photos, we exchanged children, hugs, smiles and stories. Not only did I take away a beautiful bracelet I now share with Heather and the sweet warmth I felt as Zoey wrapped her arms around me, but I took away the feeling, the surety that we (us and them...the Therklesens and Needhams, Heather and myself...Preslie and Zoey) were kindred spirits...connected on so many levels, connected at the heart of all that is important in this life, connected for eternity, connected before this all began. Heather had Preslie laughing and bursting with energy and smiles like I had never seen before and I got to enjoy the beautiful and wet kisses of Miss Zoey, as well as moments with Jake, Joe and even Taylor.

That night at CHLA was a perfect start to our 'getaway' ,to our vacation, our adventures. Heather I love you like a sister...I look up to you, I cherish each talk, each email, each comment, and now each moment I have face to face. I adore all your children, your sweet family I cherish. I thank you for allowing us to share that room with you, those moments at CHLA, the stories, the heartache, the triumphs...I thank you for being able to hold Miss Zoey, feel of her sweet, courageous, warrior spirit. She is a gift...our girls are gifts, priceless treasures that have brought such an amazing family, amazing friends into our lives....thank you...thank you...thank you...

Our journey continues...

Heather sharing loving kisses with our Princess

Preslie was completely comfortable with Heather right away...how couldn't you be??!!

There was a connection between those two that is indescribible...Preslie lit up!

Complete heaven in my arms....she is a warrior, a princess, an angel...she is a blessing!

Mark even snuk in some Preslie time!

Me and my dear dear friend Heather...she is truly a beautiful person - inside and out!

A Mother's Heart

One of the greatest gifts I have been given as a woman is to be a mother. I can now completely appreciate what my mother went through for us, what she feels for us, how she worries for us, and how hard she has worked for us. I watched my mother this weekend, I studied her face, the gentle lines now forming, the softness of her skin, the look in her eyes and all the years of memories she holds within her.

I saw in her eyes countless stories of why the tears flowed freely because of her children. I saw in her beautiful red hair the sweet gray strands that tell of many sleepless nights and worry over her children. Her hands, now pained from the many halloween costumes she sewed, sandwiches she made, cakes she decorated, and tears she wiped away. Her arms have taken a different shape now...a bit tired from all the hard work she completed each day for us, all the hugs she freely gave and the many times she folded them in prayer, pleeding with our Father to keep her children safe. These days her knees buckle from time to time...tired from all the nights she walked the floor with crying children and then walked the floor worried over her teenagers, or the times she hiked, biked, skiied and swam with us. They are tired from running errands, cleaning the house, running us back and forth to school, sports and dance and kneeling in prayer with us each night to teach us that we are never alone. Her feet have walked many miles on our behalf, danced to the tune of many songs, ran ragged as she chased toddlers around the house and made several steps front to back, back and forth vaccuming up our messes.

Then there is that which I cannot see, but the strongest part of her yet...her heart, a mothers heart. I believe it looks much different from that of others. It has been broken many times, it has ached even more...it has had to make very difficult decisions, it has had to let go and at times even fight. A mothers heart is tender, yet strong. It is sincere and eternal. I was blessed to have a mother with an amazing heart, and to now be a mother and feel in my heart, what my mother felt for all of us. 61 years later, her mom duties are not yet finished. She still worries, her heart still aches, she still prays for her children and hopes on our behalf. And when I am tired, worn out and sad, she still steps in as mother and now grandmother. She walks the floor with my children, she prays with them as well as plays. She laughs with us and even cries with us. My mother has endured more then most mothers ever will. She's had to turn the aching of her heart for her son over to that power which is greater then us all...she has been broken and bruised, she has been under-appreciated far too many times...but all, she has endured well. She is my mother and I am so thankful for her.

And now I am so blessed to hear that beautiful name 'mother' and know it's me....I now know that feeling of an aching heart, the countless tears for my children. I know what it's like to hold onto them and never want to let go, to wipe tears from their eyes and place bandaids on knees. I know what it's like to be exhausted at the end of the day, yet blessed to know I get to do it all again tomorrow. To feel the overwhelming excitement as my childen excel at something new and the overwhelming pain to watch them suffer. I have spent many many moments on my knees pleading with my Father in Heaven for them just as my mother did for me. My heart has taken a new shape these last 7 years...it is the heart of a mother.

MANY FIRSTS...

This weekend our sweet Preslie had 2 - 'firsts'. First, on Saturday, in almost 8 months she had her first outing to a restaurant with us. My father came into town to meet his new Grandson, Gavin, so with that comes all the festivities and this time we were able to join in. Those first adventures beyond the 'safety' of our own threshold were a bit overwhelming...I was a bit uneasy as we ventured out this weekend, wondering if I was doing a good enough job keeping the germs away, wondering as I looked around at the masses...who was sick, who should have been home in bed, would they come too close, or is this too much for her?? The questions did swirl in and out the entire weekend, but oh the anticipation I felt as I got to dress her up and this time we had a place to go...the socks, the matching headband, wondering how she'd be, if she'd smile at strangers, if she'd smile at family...and then of course the completeness I felt as we ALL got to venture out as a family together, finally. Me with Kurt, us with 3...what a joyous feeling.

And Sunday...the feeling I got as I put Preslie in her first Sunday dress, pair of tights and a headband to match, then to carry her in to the chapel, Kurt by my side, Jaden and Kyler all pressed and tidy...we were complete, whole and finally a family together at church. Unfortunately her first outing to church wasn't to ours, but to my brother's as he was able to bless his little boy. A warm spirit came over me as I watched my little brother bless his son for the first time. The little brother I used to fight over toys with, argue on long road trips with, roll my eyes at, is now a grown man, and a father. I am so proud of the tenderness he shows his son, the commitment he has to his family and the unconditional love he has always shown everyone. He made me so proud this weekend and I am so grateful that we were part of it, so grateful he is my brother, so grateful I am an aunt!
Sunday evening we dropped Grandpa off at the airport, warm sentiments exchanged as well as hugs, we headed back up the mountain...home. As this weekend came to an end I started to reflect on my life these last 8 months...the road has been long, the way dark at times, the future unknown and daunting. Some moments have been nothing less then complete lonliness, and I have felt paralyzing fear more than once. And when I have needed people most I have had family members tell me they were simply too busy to read my blog to find out what was going on with my family, then simply turn their backs and choose the road of selfishness instead. I have watched friends fade from our lives to moveforward on their own. I have felt loss, desperation...had to make difficult choices, and have found myself, more than once, kneeling in prayer in the hopes that divine intervention would take over, because I simply did not have the answers, I had run out of peace, hope was scarce and I wasn't sure if I could take on what tomorrow had to offer...the good or the bad.

Through all of that though, through the dark moments, the huge changes we've had to face, the fear of another day, the clouds have broken and the light has shown through...the light of hope, the light of courage, a glimmer of faith, even if it's just enough to take me one more step. My true friends have stepped forward and wrapped their arms around me and a new family, a 'virtual' one in so many respects have been by myside each step of the way. And even though it has been a difficult reality to face...that my friends, new and old have been more supportive and more kind to me then some family, it is truly a blessing , truly a gift from God to have had certain people placed in my path to stumble upon and join in their journey as they walk beside me during mine. How comforting it is to feel God's love each day as I meet new people and feel like I have known them forever. How blessed I feel to know that even through the intangible 'cyber-space' there are bonds formed that will stand the test of time. My love for others has grown by leaps and bounds as I have been given the gift of a new 'perspective' and the gratitude outways all the difficult and scarry moments I have faced. Thankyou for walking with us during this last chapter, thank you for answering my questions, checking in on my family, taking time to give words of comfort and advice, and thank you for the sacrifices you've made to send a package, or write an email. Today I am grateful, today my heart is full.

My sweet cousin finally able to see and hold Preslie for the first time in almost 8 months. She was there in our hospital room when we were told our daughter has a little something extra special!

Preslie waking up from her nap with the cute 'Ugly' doll, that was part of a wonderful package sent to me by a new and dear life-time friend, Heather. Heather thank you for lending me your strength so many times!

And thank you so so much Lynda for the adorable socks for my sweet girl. We LOVE them!